It has been months since I have written in my blog. I changed jobs in June. As I tell people, it was time. After nine years at a job I loved I had grown weary of the politics and was angry more than I was joyful. I accomplished good things there, things that I think will last (for at least a while). Yet, during that time I had been hurt by others and probably had hurt others by my brokenness. I stopped believing that God could work through “this” broken organization and the broken people I worked with and in turn He stopped working through me.
I have been stewing less the last few months. I am at a new place with a fresh vision and working with people I like and who don’t seem so broken, yet. Yet, I have stewed some. Reviewing the reasons and the examples of how I had been sinned against I feed on thoughts of wonderfully creative and maybe fulfilling ways I could illustrate their stupidity in a publically gratifying way. Typically, these thoughts are called “burning bridges” with flames that incinerate and purify. I was beginning to sound almost terroristic or, at least a little like John Calvin and those other reformers who used fire to purify the Church. Each new approach to punishing those who had sinned against me gave me brief but empty vindication. So, I kept stewing looking for some high caloric vindication.
The other day I sat in a chapel service which ended with a corporate prayer, The Lord’s Prayer. I recited this prayer easily knowing that this group of believers used the word “sins” and not “temptations” or “debts.” When we got to that portion of the prayer I said “forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” As I repeated the last eight words of that phrase God stopped me for an eternal moment and asked me who it was that I had not forgiven. That search light, you know, the one that they use to locate escaped prisoners had found me and I could no longer hide from it.
So, I have been stewing for the last week on that phrase. Arguing a little with God saying, “Oh, please, just let me be angry and vindictive a little longer, another day, a week, maybe a month or so.” His response has been “as we forgive those who sin against us.” Somehow, I am truly not sure how, but the anger has subsided and I am expressing more remorse for it. I stop more often before I move into it and refuse to give it a place in my thoughts and emotions. Slowly I think that it is being replaced with peace.
Is this what forgiving others feels like? It feels good, more fulfilling than the anger and it does not char me as I char those who have sinned against me over and over again in my mind. Why didn’t I do this much sooner?
I do believe that obeying this command to “forgive those who sin against me” is going to be a three steps forward and one step back process. However, not carrying around all that kindling and gasoline will make it easier to stay on the path. Thank you, God, for speaking to me; in chapel, who would have guessed.
